An Experiment Gone Horribly Right

One fine saturday morning The Person decided to play around with The Person's status message...went to the usual suspects(sites The Person means)...but as luck would have it nothing dere was to The Person's taste...so The Person decided to go solo..decided to improvise..and what improvisation it proved to be...one hell of it...The offending line read something like this "I have finally done it."(Amen!!!) And this innocuous looking line triggered off an avalanche of enquiries...mostly guys and seniors at it :D...the author feels not to go into details of such intimate conversations coz this is a bit public for such topics to be discussed and of course accessible to the members of the fairer sex too...but to just cut the long story short the questions were along the lines "Gf?" , "The 3 letter thing?"(TAUBA TAUBA,such dirty minds) :D and of course the members of the fairer sex also joined in the carnival...actually very curious but unable to put all of it in display..so they all said "finally done what?" or variants of that...harmless u see but potent :P.But what surprised The Person was all the guys knew of The Person's adventures (or lack of that) shall we say but yet asked...worried that this no-work-to-do The Person must have utilised The Person's time pretty well and gone on to the next level to say per se...given that they had the same opportunities too and The Person and they were birds of the same feather till recently :D...let the author put up some evidence here...
shankh: finally done wat??

Anirban: tui ki korechis finally??!!!

G****: ai tui ki korechish re???

pradipta: hello
finally done it
me: hellos
pradipta: wht does dat mean???

Aritra: ki?
me: kichhu na
:P
Aritra: :P

Himanshu: so u have a gf i guess
:P
me: ohh
how wrong cud u b
knowing me
Himanshu: hahahhahaahhahahahahahhaha
me: how cud u say that
:P
Himanshu: welcome to the club
:P
me: i was a life member
:P
Himanshu: hahahahhahahahaha

p*****i: what hv u done finally..!!??!!

A****a: finally done what?

N***r: u have finally done what?

indrita: wat hav u finally done?

these were some of the many enquiries The Person handled...one among them even reminded The Person that overuse of the line might not be such a good idea...The Person thought that was a good idea too :D But what made such an innocuous line turn into something such glamorous is something The Person failed to comprehend...must be that something called INNOCENCE must have been lost forever :D

IndianInstitutesofTechnology

The Indian Institutes of Technology is another name for IIT, which is the acronym for Institute of Infinite Tension, Institute of Indian Technology, etc. These institutes of so-called national importance were set up by the Indian Parliament at seven campuses across India, decided purely on merits of political alliances of the ruling party. It was the mastermind of a certain Jawaharlal Nehru to reduce the average intelligence of Indians that led to the establishments of these institutes. Just like Zion in Matrix, where 3% of the people who do not accept the Matrix are gathered together to prevent dissent as a whole, IITs were formed by the Government of India to gather at one place the 2% of the intelligentsia of the country and dumb them down.

Admission

The geeks and nerds of India start preparing for IIT-JEE just after 10th standard of schooling. A very effective test of whether a guy is fit for getting into the IITs is asking a very simple question: "Do you have a girlfriend"? A guy who says anything else other than "What's a girl?" would not get through the test. Girls are considered unfit to get into IITs, though some girls manage to get the application forms as they look like guys. To make sure no girl gets through the system by bribing to get the application forms, the applicants are required to specify their gender and affix a photograph in the application form. Those faces that resemble anything girly are not selected.

The entrance exam, IIT-JEE, is an extremely selective undergrad admission process (accepting less than 2% of their applicants). As they say, if the input is right, the output is automatically right. The six-hour Joint Entrance Exam held, as the name suggests, jointly by IITs, consists only of questions on Physics, Chemistry and Maths and not on other exotic details like Booze, Drugs, Crime, Pr0n etc. which severely affect the quality of the incoming students. Since the Indians are well known for cramming up loads of information, questions in JEE are never repeated.

Education

The IIT curricula is carefully decided so that there is no scope of learning anything. The students, then, take up alternate learning routes, most common being Pr0n. The IIT alumni on knowing the tremendous potential of internet, provided all hostel rooms with free and unlimited internet connection. The IIT administration tried to propound their agenda by putting lecture videos on the LAN, but this is yet to be confirmed as this has not been tried by any student. The IITians are also forced to eat mess food, that prepares them for the worst they can ever face in their life.

The guys also learn how to make 50 palladins in 25 minutes and get three frags per shot. Some of the creative minds also make a quick buck by selling MMS clips online. Since there are assignments to be submitted every now and then, the guys also learn how to use Google adeptly. Photocopying centres are provided for every 100 metres of road so that time wasted in photocopying assignments is minimized. Lecture classes are held from 7:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. IST (Indian Stretchable Time). It has been established by years of testing that the time can be stretched to as much as 30 minutes beyond provided it is backed by a cardinal excuse. The summary and results of many such experiments has been documented well in a book by an IITian titled "Five Point Someone: What not to do at an IIT". The book also deals with complex issue of dealing with a girl in IIT.

Life and culture (or lack thereof)

When entering the IIT, a guy has two options. The first is to take up the common learning route described above. Since IIT-JEE makes sure a lot of mavericks are selected, many of them also end up being happy among themselves. The girls in IITs, usually refered to as Non-Males and measured as parts of girl per million parts of guy, have to struggle keeping their identity as girl secret throughout their stay in IITs. Sometimes they are forced to tell the truth, like when a gay IITian proposes mistaking them for a guy.

Alumni

The alumni of these institutes have been very sucessful across the world (more in USA than in India). Most of them either get frustrated and leave technical education to study management at IIMs, or start a company of their own totally unrelated to their major discipline. There are also a select few who develop a fetish for studies and end up in institutes like Massachusetts Institute Of Technology. An interesting aspect is that, alumni of these institutes form the second-largest graduate student group at MIT, the largest being MIT undergrads and one day hope to colonise the whole of MIT campus.

Quotes on IITians

“These guys are total studs. Just like me.”

~ Oscar Wilde on IITians

“I love those guys.”

~ Oscar Wilde on IITians

“Shhh....Meet me at the Mining dept. later tonight”

~ IITian on Oscar Wilde

“IIT is t3h l33t.”

~ God on IIT

“We are 'GAWDS'.”

~ IITians on themselves

“So am I.”

~ Douglas Adams on the previous quote

“Fuck”

~ A girl on seeing the IIT-JEE question paper

“DISCO? Fuck!”

~ An IITian on on DISCO

“You think getting into IIT is difficult? Try getting out, bitch!”

~ disguntled IITian on IIT

The Complete Idiot's Guide To Talking To Women

Since time immemorial— which is to say it's been going on for such a long time that nobody can remember a time before it — women have been asking men trick questions, and men have been stupidly falling for it time and time after bloody again.Some examples...

Does this make me look fat?

The textbook classic. If you've never heard this one then you've never dated a girl-next-door type a supermodel anyone.

What you are thinking...

What you can actually say...

Does this suit make me look bald? It's a pair of pants, not a reality-reversal field. Nonsense, the material is what holds the fat in. No, the visible light spectrum makes you look fat. Hmmm... let me jog around you a few times to take a look. See you in 20. No, but just in case we should ask a salesperson about the tensile strength of that fabric. No, it's that other dress that makes you look fat. Hey! That dress actually does make you look thin! Buy that! Do I look dumb in this shirt? No, no, no, turn around. There. Now you look fat. Well, no. Not all of you. Only certain parts of you. I can't see. Come out from behind that fat woman and I'll tell you. Not fat, but the massive amounts of fur make you look like a very angry bear. Phat? Word. Let me just step back and fit it all in.

No, of course not. You look beautiful. It looks beautiful. I love you just the way you are. (edited after field testing) What I think isn't as important as loving yourself for who you are. (repealed) Let's have salad for lunch. (repealed)

The camera adds ten pounds, doesn't it?

I know I'm overweight but in serious denial. Deny with me.

What you are thinking...

What you can actually say...

That's an old wives' tale, started by old, fat wives. Don't test the warranty return policy — Kodak would disagree with you. It's not a hardware problem, it's a software problem. Pictures don't lie (except on VFP) Don't shoot the messenger. That daily bucket of Cheetos might have had something to do with it. Let's see... add 10 pounds for the Ice_cream_truck" , 10 pounds for the "extra crispy recipe" from KFC, 10 pounds for your daily double latte with triple sugar and triple cream, 10 pounds for your chocolate addiction, ...eh... what are we up to now? I think I'm still 30 pounds short somewhere. The 10 pounds was there before I took the picture, and unfortunately, is still here now. And then some. You need to lose a lot more than 10 pounds to look thin. How many cameras were used to take this picture?

Not to you, baby. Oh (name), you're always your own worst critic. You look beautiful. The more the merrier. (repealed) The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'. (Oh, bad! Very bad. Don't go there.) I love you just the way you are. (saying less is usually more)

Do you love me?

Here's a noose. Try it on for size.

What you are thinking...

What you can actually say...

Like steak dinners and football? More than football? Usually. Only when things are going into your mouth, not coming out. Define love. I've slept in my car before. It's reasonably comfortable if I fold my pants into a makeshift pillow. Damn. Busted. I wonder what Angela is doing tonight?

You're perfect for me. (sweet, but actually non-committal) You're everything I ever wanted. (at least until something better comes along) I can't imagine not having you in my life. (i.e. "I feel trapped!" but it'll sound good to her) Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ...yes? (pauses are deadly) You are a special person in my life.(repealed) You are very important to me. (repealed) I love you. Just like I say every bloody time you ask me that stupid question. (The truth is NOT your friend.)

Do you love me for my brains or my body?

The no-win situation... pick one and she feels stupid, pick the other and she feels ugly.

What you are thinking...	What you can actually say...
Mmmmm. Shit now I'm totally done in. Is there any possible answer I can give that won't result in me getting a knee in the groin. I like your mind, I just wish it was programmable like my remote control. Body wins by default, can't choose what isn't there, right?	You're the perfect combination of both. You have everything, which is why I fell in love with you. (practice controlling your gag reflex before using this one) Those are totally independent variables.(repealed) Yes. I love you. (Make sure to emphasise the "you".)

If you could sleep with one of my friends, which one would it be?

You can't handle the truth!

What you are thinking...	What you can actually say...
I wasn't supposed to sleep with your friends? I was only supposed to sleep with one? Not like you haven't slept with my best friend before. That's a tough one. Revathy has the sweetest little a**, but Tamanna has an amazing r*** and a great attitude. Dunno. Which of 'em would sleep with me?	You're the only woman I need. (period. stop talking.) I love you. Anyway, all your friends are ugly. (Don't insult her friends.)

How many other women have you slept with?

This is a good time to practice your fake heart attack routine. Or acquire sudden-onset laryngitis.

What you are thinking...

What you can actually say...

To be honest, unlike when I'm with you, I don't get much sleep in those situations. Just to clarify, is this including your friends from the previous question? Do you have a calculator? A pen and paper would work fine too, I guess, though my math skills aren't what they used to be back when I'd only slept with as many women as I could count on both hands and both feet. Well, as many of them that I could.

I forgot them all when I met you. I love you. (Run away as quickly as you can.) Do I look like the kind of person who gets laid often? (Not something you want to advertise)

Are you listening to me?

Listening is integral to success in any relationship. Failing that, work toward creating a decent impersonation — nodding, smiling, and verbal acknowledgements like "Uh huh" and "Yeah" are a good start.

What you are thinking...

What you can actually say...

What? Crap. She's asked me something again. What was the last thing I remember her talking about? Her mother's corns? Gah! No I'm not. I'm busy. I'm always busy. And you're always talking. No. I'm listening, I just don't give a damn TOUCHDOWN!!!!

Yes. Yes, of course I am. What was that last bit again? We did say, less is more Yes, and you're right. You're completely right. Yes, and I completely agree. Uh...Fuchsia Pink? Fuchsia pink is THE answer to all the female's needs, but do not pronounce it in the form of a question. Mumbles. Then she'll ask in the form of "what was that?" then you go back at her with "Now who's not listening, huh? Now who's not listenin'?" on slightly raised voice to make a point to her that you WERE "listening". Note: This is a good way to start divorce proceedings. I love you.

Will you love me when I'm old, fat and ugly?

Wake up! This is a trick question, even the hottest broad chick in the world only sees the negative aspects of her looks. Any answer on this one is instantly interpreted as about the here and now. Always remember, removing your tongue with kitchen scissors remains the most viable response to ANY questioning.

What you are thinking...

What you can actually say...

You already are. No I already do. When I'm old I hope I can be one of those old men that somehow pull young attractive women - I wish I could pull young attractive women now. Well... you're already fat and ugly... Why the hell am I with you?

Of course I will. She'll think of you as a liar. Oh honey, that's such a long way off. Let's not talk about such depressing things.She'll think of you as a romantic liar, which is only a little better. I love you. That'll never happen to you, sweetie. All laws of physics were suspended for someone as perfect as you. (repealed after field tests revealed nobody can get past the first sentence without breaking down and laughing) Scientific note: For this question, field tests have proven that you can't actually escape it. This is a question beyond the scope of science or philosophy. Being of a scientific nature, the query requires a truthful scientific answer, but the questioner expects praise (which would be a lie in this case) in return. Thus, neither truth or falsehood will get satisfactory results. This is the ultimate question that no man can escape.

What should I wear tonight?

Careful, you may get absolutely lost and not say anything for several minutes... unless you happen to be one of those gay guys who knows every single article of clothing in a woman's closet. But then why are you dating a woman? Get out you poser.

What you are thinking...	What you can actually say...
Something naughty A towel? Actually, how about nothing? Me I DON'T BLOODY CARE!	Anything you want, you look good in anything/everything and nothing. I love you.

U,Me N Apologies

Lets start dis one in d traditional hindi masala movie-style.So here goes d disclaimer...THIS STORY HAS NO RESEMBLANCE,WHATSOEVER,TO ANY PERSON LIVING OR DEAD.ANY SUCH RESEMBLANCE WOULD BE PURELY COINCIDENTAL AND ANY INCONVENIENCE IS SINCERELY REGRETTED.
So now for the narrative...Once upon a time there was dis the person and of course to carry dis one forward there was this another person.the person was a simpleton to say the least,but as luck(good/bad that hasnt been decided as of yet while writing dis narrative) wud have it the person ended up in a sitn the person never ever dreamt of.And as one wud have guessed by now it involved another person.So the person thought dat mite b apologies wud come to the person's assistance..here mite we refer to an eponymous hollywood production having a name curiously very similar to this blog's heading :D....but for those who r familiar with the storyline of the movie in question surely wud remember what exactly was the role of the third character in the movie...now comin back to the narrative,the person as luck wud again have it went on being involved in crazy scenarios..of course every single one of them involved another person.And of course d apologies,which the person was confident cud save the person's day,never saw the lite of d day.the person thought dat some day the person's time wud definitely arrive and the person wud come out with all apologies at one go.and this way time whiled on.the person never realised it but collateral damage was already done.another person meanwhile never betrayed any emotion.Life dealt the person a really raw hand,so the person thought.But the person cud never decide what reaction another person wud show so the person decided to leave apologies for the future at an appropriate time.the person regretted the person's decison but then again dere was this far u cud go and no more the person thought.Now for some queries which this author thought cud b relevant to the context,was the person wrong in holding back d apologies specially in absence of any visible display of emotions,which as many of us wud b ready to acknowledge dat it can b a double-edged-sword,to hindify it delhi ka laddoo?then again how wud the person express the apologies given the scenario dat the person was not exactly the initiator of the person's situation but then again the person never regretted the same?

MOVIES I WUD HATE NOT TO SEE AGAIN.

:life is beautiful(THE WORLD WUD HAVE BEEN A MUCH POORER PLACE BUT FOR THIS MOVIE),
:the dead poets' society(MY BIOGRAPHY),
:roman holiday(THIS TAKES THE CAKE),
:the prestige(USUALLY THE NEW MOVIES GET LISTED AT THE END.DO I NEED SAY MORE?),
:the illusionist(SAME AS ABOVE APPLIES.PERIOD.),
:rainman,
:ordinary people,
:kramer vs kramer,
:stepmom,
:a beautiful mind(INTENSE),
:titanic,
:lion king,
:my best friend's wedding,
:runaway bride,
:pretty woman,
:notting hill(SWEET),
:cars,
:finding nemo,
:catch me if you can(NICE),
:departed,
:the blood diamond,
:ocean's eleven(CHIC GETS A NEW MEANING),
:ocean's twelve(CHIC GETS A NEWER MEANING),
:ocean's thirteen(CHIC GETS A STILL NEWER MEANING),
:top gun(LOOK OUT FOR THE AVIATOR SHADES),
:lord of war(NICOLAS AT HIS BEST IMHO),
:the truman show(CAPTIVATING.PERIOD.),
:face-off(VERY COOL),
:the phone-booth(KABHI DEKHA HAI AISA MOVIE???),
:basic instinct(WORDS FAIL ME),
:the sliver(THANKS YET AGAIN SHARON),
:bourne identity,
:bourne supremacy,
:bourne ultimatum(IF I WERE ludlum MAY B I WUD EVEN NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I EVER HAD REMOTELY ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE BOOK OR THE MOVIE...APESHIT),
:casino royale(BUT HOW TO SPREAD CARDS LIKE THAT?),
:you me and dupree,
:50 first dates(WHAT CONCEPT..WHEW!!!),
:night in a museum,
:hitch(IS THAT A NOUN OR A VERB...THANKS ALEX FOR THE BASIC PRINCIPLES!!!),
:usual suspects(CHOCOLATE... ANYONE?..PHULEASSSEEE),
:love actually(SHALL WE JUST SAY DAT INDIANS ARE REAL LOUSY AT COPYING TOO WHEN IT COMES TO MOVIE IDEAS???),
:just like heaven,
:a lot like love,
:the thomas crown affair(WHAT DATES MONEY CAN GET AND HOW!!!),
:stranger than fiction(NEVER BEFORE...NEVER AGAIN!),
:the last kiss(SO MY TYPE),
:dil chahta hai(BOLLY CHIC GOES HOLLY),
:black

StrangerThanFiction

Yes dere was this wonderful movie dat went by this very name..and i wud not hate to admit that this title is pure plagiarism...but for sure a movie review dis is not what it's about...its more i wud say about someone's life.It surely can b named thus...StrangerThanFiction..what the person never envisaged dat the person cud possibly become and what the person finally ended up bein'.And the change the person underwent was mind bogglin'.Right 4m bein' a bundle of nerves to d come-what-might-i-wud-like-to-at-least-like-to-face-it type.But at d same time somethin' else happened 2.D drive in the person..the person lost it along d way...the person now only wanted to flow wid d tide...but the person had it to even turn aginst d tide if dat was needed..but the person found little enthusiasm..why all of a sudden the person's world changed the person nvr knew..but the person desperately wanted 2 have the person's previous attitude to life back...in d process the person started blving in things what were once fantasies..the person thought dat the person mite hv found the person's inspiration at last...but alas!!!to no avail it was.dejection set in...but den again the person dint have enough conviction to tread a path rarely traversed..the person continued to wait for something StrangerThanFiction to take place...shud something StrangerThanFiction is to occur this writer solemnly promises to b back wid d account.